Tarred and Feathered....

Just to be clear, this is a critical little rant. I know. I’m not attempting to say that anywhere else is any better or worse, I’m not saying that what I’m ranting about applies equally to all Icelanders and residents of Iceland, and I know full well that it doesn’t apply at all to some of them. That said, the more I’ve pondered, the more I begin to see certain patterns, and those patterns call out for attention. Hell, considering I've lived more of my adult life on the Lava Lump than many of my Lava Lumpian friends, many of these criticisms apply to me as well. So blast me if you want. Tell me “Iceland love it or leave it” (I do and I am), get in my face, but at least think about your responses before going all “best í heimi!” on my ass.

Everything I Needed to Know About Iceland I Learned in Grunnskoli.

#1. Cry “Einelti”!

It works like this: Anytime you get caught or called out for doing something wrong, hurting another kid, employee, fellow citizen, spitting on people, stealing, vandalizing, using ethic/homophobic/sexual slurs, telling lies, running a massive Ponsi-scheme and bankrupting the entire country, using your company credit card for a million or so’s worth of lapdances, whatever, immediately complain that you are the victim of einelti. It’s not your fault; everyone is out to get you.

#2. Actions have no consequences!

Following from rule number one, no one is ever to be held accountable for their actions by any meaningful means, as to do so would be to leggja einhver í einelti, and that is bad. Therefore no one can be sent home for bad behavior (they have a right to stay, no matter how often they attack other children and staff, no matter how much damage they do to the building, no matter how often they run away, or run off with their investors money, or call the police from the cell phone mommy and daddy gave them that they are not allowed to bring to school to make false reports) nor can they be given a time-out (this is “emotionally scarring”), sent outside (it makes outside play into a punishment), denied access to toys or activities (einelti einelti einelti!) or any other direct consequence. Likewise, it is totally unfair to call their parents, who are very busy making money and shouldn’t be bothered with mean bullies who want to tattle on children. Any attempt by other children to shun a child who consistently makes life miserable for them is totally unacceptable. Bullies have the right to disrupt, annoy and destroy at will, and if otherwise well-behaved children try to exclude them, then the bully is the victim.

#3. Bad behavior is sooooo cute!

In order to avoid dealing with the consequences of #1 and #2, it is very important to make such behavior an acceptable, even cherished part of childhood. “Ah, will you look and little Nonni, he’s hurling wooden blocks at everyone in the room because other children crying is funny, ahhh how cute!” “The cutest thing happened today! Jón defrauded a bunch of investors and used their money to buy his own private plane!” “Little Didda just called me a stupid helvítis leiðinlegur fokking homma pólverja!* And spit on me! Kids say the darnedest things!”

*See rule #13

#4. Getting there first is all that matters!

Anytime there is a line, push, shove, kick, or randomly overtake at unsafe speeds your way to the front. Waiting your turn is for lúsers, besides, if you wait your turn other kids might get something before you do! That means they’ll be better than you for the entire time it takes you to get to the front of the line! Being first in line means you’re better than everyone behind you, and being better than everyone else is really important, I mean, how else are you going to get in Séð og heyrt, so make the most of it by doing whatever you can to prolong your time there. Change your mind, make the others wait while you run off to get something, and if someone else gets served while you’re no-longer in line, throw a fit. Only someone with no self-esteem would just move to the back of the line after leaving it…

#5. I think I’m awesome, therefore I am!

Because children have such fragile self-esteem, it is important to never ever criticize or correct them. Instead, consistently tell them that everything they do is awesome! Purposely loose any game you play with them, and then tell them how awesome they are. Compliment everything they do, even if it’s something rude, disrespectful, stupid, or harmful. This way they grow up convinced of their own talent and genius, even when they don’t have any. If worst comes to worst, remind them that at least they were born in Iceland, which automatically makes them better than everyone else. I mean, there’s only one Iceland, and it’s at the top of the map, totally looking down on all those útlendingar.

This is the real reason why Iceland is a haven of sorts for famous foreigners. It’s not that Icelanders don’t care that Holywood celebs are famous, its that to admit that they do would be to admit that someone is somehow more deserving of attention than themselves, and that simply cannot be. I mean, what’s a few Oscars compared to being born in Hólmavík?

Which leads us to…*

#6. If I lost its ‘cause you cheated!

I am awesome. I am the best soccer player ever, everything I do is gold, I am the smartest, coolest, toughest, most athletic, artistic, brilliant little baby Einstein around. I pull more business acumen out of my ass than Wall Street can scrape together in a century. I cannot loose. It is impossible. Therefore if I loose, you cheated, and because you cheated I can cry, scream, and beat the shit out of you and anyone who gets in my way. Nothing I do is my fault, unless it’s something cool, in which case it’s all me. Nobody helped. Totally my idea. Get the fuck out of my spotlight!

#7. It’s not cheating/bullying/stealing/etc when I do it!

If you want something, go for it! By any means necessary! That other kid looks like he’s going to score a goal against you? Punch him! That girl’s got cooler shoes than you? Steal ‘em! Your investment firm is failing and people are like, actually demanding to make money on their investments? Take the money and run! People are protesting against your corrupt and incompetent rule? Gas the fuckers! You are the most perfect, bestest little kid ever, therefore everything and anything you do is justified!

#8. A pinch of prevention is worth a pound of whining!

Nothing is more leiðinlegt than horrible grown-ups telling you you shouldn’t do something. Anytime anyone stops you from doing something totally cool and fun, like trying to jump from the roof of the school, or hanging over the edge of a banister to drop stones on the people below, or loaning yourself money from your own bank to buy shares in your own bank artificially inflating the stock price causing a major finacial collaspe, or running off of the playground into a busy street, or playing with matches in the basement, or bringing a knife to school, or trying to bash the other kids´ heads in with a jump-rope tied to a brick, or setting off homemade pipebombs on the playground or handing communal property like fisheries and banks over to cronies for political faovors, make sure to scream at them, insult them, wail like a banshee, and complain to your parents and the bosses about how grímmt og ótrúlega strangt said grownups are. Its your right to harm yourself and others, dammit!

#9. What´s mine is mine, what´s yours is mine!

Having more stuff than other kids makes you better than them. It doesn’t matter what stuff it is. Do anything in your power to get more stuff. Beg and whine. Steal and cheat. If worse comes to worse, beat up and take. It doesn´t matter if its total useless junk. If some kid finds an empty coke can on the play ground, you have to have two empty coke cans! Either that or destroy his coke can! If some other kid has a huge gas-guzzling Hummer, you need three! Otherwise they’re better than you! If you can´t afford lots of stuff, just make sure to never part with anything. Fill your closet, garage, storage container, summer house, etc with piles of things you have no use for. Under no circumstances should any of this be given to the needy. The needy only exist í útlendum, and anyone who says they’re needy is just a lúser trying to take advantage.

Likewise, anything held in common (or not clearly marked as belonging to someone) is totally worthless, until you either own it, or at least control access to it. If you´re really smart and want something held in common, like say a particular doll or maybe a healthcare system, then what you do is you pretend not to like it, say it sucks, maybe trash it a bit when no one is looking. Then when its worn out and forgotten, you can usually get ahold of it one way or another.

#10. If its not competitive, its not worth doing!

Winning is everything. Why the heck would anyone do anything unless they can brag about it, or look down on all the lúsers? Make life a game! But, you know, a real game, one where some people (Me! Me! Me!) are singled out as winners, and most are loosers. Make sure there is some sort of prize on offer as well. There´s no point to playing if there isn´t a prize at the end. Also, make sure that you only take part in games you know you´ll win. Loose once and you’re always a looser. The only exception is if your competeing against útlendingar, in which case coming in second or third is better than winning, because a) everyone knows that they form gangs that stick together and support each other no matter how much better you are, and b) if you won you’d have to host, and “hosting” is just another word for “spending time and resources on stuff for other people”. Only real lúsers do that!

#11. Being outside sucks!

Nature is boring, outside sucks. Even if the weather is good. I mean, kom onn maður, its free for fuck´s sake! Everyone knows that anything free isn´t worth anything! It´s totally more fun to play football inside, and its not like the playground has a Playstation. The only good reason to be outside is if you’re using some sort of wheeled vehicle, zipping around for no other good reason than to zip around. Alone. So you can be sure that you are in charge. If you have to go outside, make sure to dress as inappriately as possible for the weather. Fashion trumps survival after all. Blue is the new fake tan! Also, as an adendum, trees suck! Their only purpose is to get in our way. This is why you should rip the limbs off of them whenever possible. Also, that way you have a stick, and other kids don´t, making you both cooler, and better able to enforce your will than the other kids. Plus, its okay to destroy trees. Nobody owns them.

#12. Cleaning up is someone else’s job!

There are two kinds of people in the world. Cool, hip, powerful, rich people who make messes, and poor, lame, disenfranchised, people who clean up. Because no one wants to be part of the latter group, no one should ever be forced to clean up thier own mess. Not making a mess in the first place is also unacceptable. I mean, talk about torture, you expect me to carry this can/bottle/bag/wrapper/cigarette butt/pile of spent fireworks all the way to the next trash can!?!? If the visual evidence on my consumption isn’t there for all to see, how will people know how much cool stuff I consume? Also, copious amounts of litter and tagging on every concieveable surface is cool, it makes Reykjavik look like some tuffarahverfi í útlendum. Not that anyone is more tuf than Icelanders.

#13. If you don’t have anything nice to say, say it in útlensku!

If you feel the need to say something unfortunate, say it in útlensku. After all, all Icelanders speak fluent útlensku, unlike útlendingar who are genetically incapable of learning the Language of Awesome. Hell, they even need Icelanders’ help with their own language! If you say it in útlensku then you’re free and clear. Calling a teacher a helvitis aumingi will get you in trouble, but shouting “Fuck you you fucking donkey-sucking gaybag cunt!”* will garner you compliments on your fluent use of útlensku! Likewise, informing someone that ‘We will not pay” is not the same thing as telling someone “Við borgum ekki”, it’s all a misunderstanding based on foreigners not understanding their own language.

*Actual quote. From a seven-year-old. I shit you not!

#14. Heima er bezt!

Just as what one says to outlanders and what one says to Icelanders bares no comparison, what one does in Iceland and what one does in Útland are two totally different things. Being drunk for days on end is ok in Ibiza, just like spending millions on lap-dances is fine in Zurich. Just like its OK to behave badly at someone else's house, as long as mommy and daddy aren't there. That being said, one shouldn’t ever be punished for anything done away from home, because they are mean there. Icelanders who do bad things away from home should be brought back, given a hug and some hot chocolate and sent to bed. Úlendingar who do bad things in Iceland should be sent home to be raped and beaten in prisons that are far too mean for Icelanders.

#15. Moderation is for lúsers!

If something is worth doing, its worth overdoing. TV is good, TV with ten thousand channels is better, especially if you have your own computer to chat on while you watch and a ceiling high-pile of video games to play when there's nothing on TV. If a tan is good, being orange year-round is all kinds of awesome. If being in shape is good, working out seven days a week and starving yourself is the only way to go! If having enough is good, having too much is better! If football is fun, don’t do anything else, or talk about anything else, or care about anything else!

There are of course exceptions. For instance, you shouldn’t have candy at school, or drink during the work week. Not one bite! Not one beer! That sort of thing is reserved for weekends, when you can go to the sjoppa and buy a bag of candy the size of your head so that momma og pabbi can sleep off the previous night’s binge drinking.