Thursday, May 22, 2008

Ass Hats II: Revenge of the Ass Hats

So I'm riding my bike from Emble's this morning, heading down the left-hand sidewalk on the hill by Haskoli and some ass hat in an asshatmobile pulls onto the sidewalk right in front of me to pick up his asshat buddy, forcing me to choose between crashing into a still moving heap of overpriced polluting metal, a lane of oncoming traffic, or a concrete garden wall.

I choose the latter.

As I'm diving from my now even more fucked up bike, I see the asshats pull off with a screech of over sized snow tires that have never left a paved road, and caught a glimpse of asshats laughing at me.

So now my bum knee is all fucked up again, and my shoulder feels like it got hit by, well, a concrete garden wall, and Sid the Vicious Cycle (yes I named my bike...after all he's all full of junk) is all buggered up.

This has led me to make two decisions and consider one other. First, I'm wearing my dorky helmet from now on.

Because you never know when asshats might strike.

Second I'm fixing up my saddlebags, so I can carry a first aid kit with me.

Because you never know when asshats might strike.

Also, I'm thinking of investing in a good rock hammer next time I'm at the hardware store. You know, one of those ones with a good heavy flat surface and a strong pick spike on the other end, for digging and carving rock, or puncturing over sized snow tires that have never seen a gravel road, or shattering asshat kneecaps.

Because its handier than a Molotov cocktail.

And you never know when anti-asshats might strike back.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Ass Hats

So I overheard one of the little kids swearing at work today. As I've mentioned before, this is not at all unusual, as the little tykes are prone to busting out a "fuck you you fucking fuck" or even a "you suck donkey cock" every once and awhile. I've learned to just let it be.

What makes it worth mentioning is that the kid called another kid an "ass hat".

I mean, ass hat?

I know that mostly the kids have no idea what they're actually saying, but even I have no real working definition for ass-hattedness. I've only ever run across it in Questionable Content and Sinfest, and as friggin' awesome as said strips are, they hardly constitute a Webster's Unabridged Dictionary of Internet Spawned Swearing.

So I have taken it upon myself (with some help from Da Embla) to define what makes a person an "ass hat". With apologies to everyone who's just had it up to their ears with the friggin' You Might Be a Redneck If, I present You Might Be an Ass Hat If.


I have to say "might".

You'll understand when you get to #4.

You Might Be an Ass Hat If:

1. You park your friggin' Hummer/Jeep/Escalade on the friggin' sidewalk/bike lane/bus lane.

2. You are a member of a government that rounded up and expelled Falun Gong protesters when Chinese officials visited who bitches about the Chinese cracking down on protesters in Tibet.

3. You take out a massive loan to buy a huge penis extension...I mean off-road jeep so you can tool around Rvk filling up the bike lanes and sidewalks...I mean drive over...I mean around the beautiful Icelandic wilderness who then hijacks an otherwise legitimate protest because you think the government should subsidize your friggin' hobby.

4. You are a rich, influential public figure who is such a friggin' pussy you can't handle someone calling you out on your actions/statements in any sort of combative way and instead use your influence and wealth to sue for libel and pay for a trip to Majorca with the settlement.

5. You buy anything from Salt Félagið. (Apologies to Reyna, who is not an ass hat as she was basically forced to.)

6. You used to make fun of the "poor foreigners/students" who shopped at Góða Hirðirinn before your stock portfolio turned into toilet paper, and now you elbow them out of the way for the best deals.

7. You join a volunteer organization in the States, travel all the way to Iceland, and then try to stuff even more Jesus down kid's throats than the State Church already does.

8. You are clergy in the State Church. If you voted against allowing gay marriage, then you are a supersized screaming erupting boil of an ass hat.

9. You check into a five star hotel and proceed to have a full on bitch-fit screaming toddler temper tantrum in the lobby because the pillow was too hard.

10. You wrote airline security rules. 'Nuff said. If you are a customs official, see #8.

11. You are a police officer who when criticized for being to hard on environmental protesters and too soft on protesting truckers pepper sprays a crowd of truckers and drunk teenagers screaming "GAS GAS GAS".

12. You bitch at overworked underpaid teenagers/foreigners when they fail to understand your mumbled archaic Icelandic. If you are a member of ÍFÍ, see #8.

13. You decide that the most peaceful country in the world should have its own army, just after said country finally got rid of the occupying army from WWII.

14. You think its cool to tag buildings.

15. You decided that bringing back the absolute worst of 80's fashion makes you so hip and trendy that you should have your own bars.

16. You refer to all Asians as "Kinverjar". If you call them "Grjón", see #8.

17. You've appeared on Innlít/Útlít.

18. You purposely run the public health system into the ground in order to make obscene amounts of money off of the death and suffering of other people. #8 doesn't even do you justice. Do not pass go, go straight to hell. 8th circle of. Now!

19. You are the parent of a young child who spends 9 hours of each work day at school/frístundaheimili who then ships the poor kid off to sports practice/music lessons/art lessons/dance lessons/acting school and then bitches about not having any time with their kids.

20. You had anything to do with the making of Kid Nation. See #18.

21. You are a member of the US federal government. See #18. Then double it. Make that the ninth circle of hell. The one reserved for traitors.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Out in the shed...

All my grandiose plans have gone on hold, in favor of spending most of my time trying to organize the garage so that I can move the necessary stuff into it in order to install my own sweet luscious kitchen.

As usually I've gotten manically focused on this and hence put off or forgotten to do most of the other stuff I need/want to do. You know, stuff like:

Getting internets
Renewing my passport
Applying for citizenship
Going swimming
Finishing my translations for work
Planting a garden
Brewing beer
Making biodiesel

I haven't even been blogging, despite the absolute wealth of things I want to write about.

About the only non-garage related thing I've managed to do was march in the May Day "Parade" wearing a respirator with a sign that said "GASISMI" crossed out.

What can I say "GAS GAS GAS!" is my new obsession.