Insurance...

We all know that socialized medicine is immoral, un-American, un-Christian, causes homosexuality, pre-mature baldness, hip-hop music, vampirism, and is just one more bar of conveniently dropped soap on the slippery slope down into the pit of demonic progressive tyranny, but few realize just how far down that slope we've already slipped.

But instead of ranting about the current evil socialist programs busily burrowing through the once-hallowed flesh of America like satanic tapeworms bent on redistributing the very life-blood of America to their parasitic brethren, I figured I'd try to catch more flies with honey, and give my reader's (all three of them) a glimpse into what a true Libertarian Conservative future will look like, when we have finally rid ourselves of the Progressive scourge and their evil attempts to socialize our communities ,which they have the gall to call “societies”...we all know what that means Ivan!

Presenting... “Let Free Markets Ring”

RING RING RING

“911 Inc. What's your emergency?”

“Oh God! Help us! Our house is on fire!”

“Ok sir, just remain calm. We have you calling from 114 SW James St, is that correct?”

“Yes!...Donna! Get the kid's to the window!!!”

“Can I have your fire insurance carrier and account number please?”

“What!?!?!”

“Do you have fire insurance sir?”

“No!”

“Sir, are you eligible for Firecaid?”

“Oh god! The flames are climbing the stairs! Please help us!”

“Sir, if you are not insured or covered by Firecaid, there's really nothing we can do.”

“You can't just let us die!”

“That depends sir, do you have life insurance?”

“Yes! With Capital Insurance!”

“What's your account number sir?”

“Cough cough cough...oh god...its 299-15-667!”

“And your policy covers everyone there?”

“cough cough cough...hack...um, yes!”

“Ok, I see you're paid up, a rescue crew is on the way, if they get you out there be a $40 co-pay.”

“Thank God! Hey honey, keep the kids by the window, firemen are on the way!”

“I'm sorry sir, but you and your family are only covered for rescue, we'll have to let the house burn.”

“Goddamnit, just get us out of here!”

“There's no reason to be abusive sir, none of this would be necessary if you'd just bought fire insurance.”

“They dropped me! ...cough cough cough...My dad's house burnt down when I was six, so they said I was a preexisting risk!”

“Well sir, that's not my problem. You just hang on, try to breathe out the window, and the rescue crew will be with you shortly. Please have your co-pay ready and thank you for using 911 Inc.”

RING RING

“911 Inc. What's your emergency?”

“There's someone in the house with a gun.”

“Remain calm, is the gunman in the room with you ma'am?”

“No...I'm hiding in the closet. Please send help!”

“We have you at 24 Western Way, apartment 2, is this correct?”

“Yes!”

“Ma'am, I'll need your insurance carrier and account number.”

“Yes...oh god...I've got Crime and Mishap insurance with Freedom Limited, account number 22-45-1987...please, he's coming this way.”

“Try to remain calm, Law Enforcement Inc. is on the way. Do you have life insurance in case the gunman takes you hostage?”

“Its a different company, Western Value, account number 7364-834-253!”

“Alright ma'am. Our records show you'll fully covered, just keep your head down, and officers will be there any second...”