So I overheard one of the little kids swearing at work today. As I've mentioned before, this is not at all unusual, as the little tykes are prone to busting out a "fuck you you fucking fuck" or even a "you suck donkey cock" every once and awhile. I've learned to just let it be.
What makes it worth mentioning is that the kid called another kid an "ass hat".
I mean, ass hat?
I know that mostly the kids have no idea what they're actually saying, but even I have no real working definition for ass-hattedness. I've only ever run across it in Questionable Content and Sinfest, and as friggin' awesome as said strips are, they hardly constitute a Webster's Unabridged Dictionary of Internet Spawned Swearing.
So I have taken it upon myself (with some help from Da Embla) to define what makes a person an "ass hat". With apologies to everyone who's just had it up to their ears with the friggin' You Might Be a Redneck If, I present You Might Be an Ass Hat If.
Might.
I have to say "might".
You'll understand when you get to #4.
You Might Be an Ass Hat If:
1. You park your friggin' Hummer/Jeep/Escalade on the friggin' sidewalk/bike lane/bus lane.
2. You are a member of a government that rounded up and expelled Falun Gong protesters when Chinese officials visited who bitches about the Chinese cracking down on protesters in Tibet.
3. You take out a massive loan to buy a huge penis extension...I mean off-road jeep so you can tool around Rvk filling up the bike lanes and sidewalks...I mean drive over...I mean around the beautiful Icelandic wilderness who then hijacks an otherwise legitimate protest because you think the government should subsidize your friggin' hobby.
4. You are a rich, influential public figure who is such a friggin' pussy you can't handle someone calling you out on your actions/statements in any sort of combative way and instead use your influence and wealth to sue for libel and pay for a trip to Majorca with the settlement.
5. You buy anything from Salt Félagið. (Apologies to Reyna, who is not an ass hat as she was basically forced to.)
6. You used to make fun of the "poor foreigners/students" who shopped at Góða Hirðirinn before your stock portfolio turned into toilet paper, and now you elbow them out of the way for the best deals.
7. You join a volunteer organization in the States, travel all the way to Iceland, and then try to stuff even more Jesus down kid's throats than the State Church already does.
8. You are clergy in the State Church. If you voted against allowing gay marriage, then you are a supersized screaming erupting boil of an ass hat.
9. You check into a five star hotel and proceed to have a full on bitch-fit screaming toddler temper tantrum in the lobby because the pillow was too hard.
10. You wrote airline security rules. 'Nuff said. If you are a customs official, see #8.
11. You are a police officer who when criticized for being to hard on environmental protesters and too soft on protesting truckers pepper sprays a crowd of truckers and drunk teenagers screaming "GAS GAS GAS".
12. You bitch at overworked underpaid teenagers/foreigners when they fail to understand your mumbled archaic Icelandic. If you are a member of ÍFÍ, see #8.
13. You decide that the most peaceful country in the world should have its own army, just after said country finally got rid of the occupying army from WWII.
14. You think its cool to tag buildings.
15. You decided that bringing back the absolute worst of 80's fashion makes you so hip and trendy that you should have your own bars.
16. You refer to all Asians as "Kinverjar". If you call them "Grjón", see #8.
17. You've appeared on Innlít/Útlít.
18. You purposely run the public health system into the ground in order to make obscene amounts of money off of the death and suffering of other people. #8 doesn't even do you justice. Do not pass go, go straight to hell. 8th circle of. Now!
19. You are the parent of a young child who spends 9 hours of each work day at school/frístundaheimili who then ships the poor kid off to sports practice/music lessons/art lessons/dance lessons/acting school and then bitches about not having any time with their kids.
20. You had anything to do with the making of Kid Nation. See #18.
21. You are a member of the US federal government. See #18. Then double it. Make that the ninth circle of hell. The one reserved for traitors.
1 comment:
#22: You are a young earth creationist. Or an old earth creationist. If you believe dinosaurs a) never existed and the bones and fossils were put here to "test our faith" or b) co-existed peacefully with humans until "the flood" you are a major ass hat and should go dig yourself a nice, deep hole somewhere out of the way. Where there is no internet and all you have to pass the time is prayer. I believe it's the fourth circle of hell, turn right at the McDonalds.
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