Enough

I got a call last night, as I lay in bed trying to nap off the exhaustion this shitty month had bestowed on me, asking me to remove the previous post.

I sleepily agreed, but honestly, mostly just because I didn't feel like talking about it and I was and am too damned tired and depressed and angry to deal right then.

I was angry as all hell when I posted that email, but I didn't do it out of spite. I did it, if anything out of a keenly felt sense of injustice and betrayal, and as a form of social self-defence. I just wanted everyone that we know in common to see that this isn't and wasn't all in my head.

As for the accusation that I've turned this whole thing into an "internet farce", I would like to point out that I have never once on this blog said anything like "Urður is giving me the silent treatment", instead referring to it as "an elephant in the living room" a phrase that perfectly fit the situation. I wasn't sure, in fact I was desperately hoping against hope it wasn't so, that she wanted me out. I spent weeks wracking my brain to find out just what I had done to so horribly offend someone I loved and trusted that they felt justified in driving me away like that, and what I could do to make it better. In the end though, I just got angry (which is my right) and it began to dawn on me that for myself, I have nothing to apologize for. The "internet farce" started when she chose to evict me via a comment on this blog.

The request to remove the previous entry irked me as well. I've never removed a blog entry before. In fact, when I first started blogging I made a deal with myself that I wouldn't self-censor no matter how embarrassing the entry, how angry the post. So it totally pissed me off, when this morning, clear-headed and well-rested for the first time in weeks, I considered just what I was being asked to do. In order to spare the feelings and protect the privacy of someone who has treated me with months of contempt, and forced me to rearrange my life to suit her selfish whims, I was suppose to break a promise I'd made to myself?

That being said, I have removed the post.

Not to spare anyone's feelings, although I'd like to say to some of my friends that the name calling should be kept to the verbal, private side of conversations. I've been trying to do the same. No, I'm doing this because as far as I'm concerned, responding to said email in any way was the wrong thing to do. I'm walking away from it. I'll try to remember the friendship, and try to erase the way it ended.

And for the record: It has ended. Its too late for apologies.